Lawyer Jokes

Discussion in 'Humor' started by piggybanker, Oct 16, 2007.

  1. piggybanker

    piggybanker New Member

    If you laid all of the lawyers in the world end-to-end around
    the equator, it would be a good idea to leave them there.

    What's sad about 5 lawyers driving off a cliff in a Cadillac?
    There's room for 6.
  2. 4u2nv

    4u2nv New Member

    Are lawyers that bad? I mean... I just don't understand???
  3. piggybanker

    piggybanker New Member

    Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?

    A: Shoot the lawyer twice.

    Anymore questions?
  4. asebf

    asebf New Member

    What do you call a lawyer who is at the bottom of the ocean?

    A good start.
  5. piggybanker

    piggybanker New Member

    Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a couple of tracks. After close examination, the first lawyer declared them to be deer tracks. The second lawyer disagreed, insisting they must be elk tracks.

    They were still arguing when the train hit them.
  6. asebf

    asebf New Member

    A Priest, a Rabbi, and a lawyer were stranded on a deserted island. However they could see the next island had trees, water, etc. However the water was shark infested, so getting to the other island would be dangerous.

    The rabbi told the priest to test his faith and try and make the swim. As soon as the priest approach the water, it boiled with sharks. The Rabbi then tried it with the same results.

    They then looked at the lawyer. He went to the waters edge and two sharks came up and he put one foot on each and the carried him to the the island where he got supplies and then they swam him back to the island with the 2 others.

    The 2 religious men were just in awe. How did you make that happen? They wondered???

    The lawyer replied " Professional courtesy"
  7. piggybanker

    piggybanker New Member

    A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

    "Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!", he whined.

    "You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"

    "Oh my gaaad....", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex???!!!!!"
  8. netprosperity

    netprosperity New Member

    Keep them coming. anything for a good laugh
  9. piggybanker

    piggybanker New Member

    A woman and her little girl were visitng the grave of the little girl's
    grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the
    little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same

    "Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"

    "The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
  10. jsf

    jsf New Member

    A multi-billion dollar Co. was interviewing for a high position. There were three candidates left, so the Engineer came in and was asked how much is 2+2 and he answered, it's 4!...Then the Computer wizard
    came in next...same question, so he answered 4 of course!...then the lawyer came in, same question. so he looked left and right and leaning
    over he whispered: "how much do you want it to be" the job!
  11. jsf

    jsf New Member

    This man dies and goes to heaven and he gets an angel to show him around. They saw a bunch of of men and women dancing, playing instruments, etc;...oh! said the angel, those are the artists;...then there saw a bunch of people with books and papers..oh, said the angel, those are the teachers and writers; ...then they came to a beautiful place with mansions, etc.; oh, said the angel, those are the popes;...and then they came in front of a hill and there was a huge, sumptuous, castle, and the man said Oh, oh...that must be where HE lives!?, and the angel said, oh no, that's the lawyer...The Lawyer! but not even the popes, said the man...angel says: popes? well, we get them all the time, but ho,ho a lawyer!?... now, THAT was a catch!...
  12. jsf

    jsf New Member

    So the first of the three finalists, an American, in the super-world-wide-fencing- contest steps forward to show his ultimate trick to the judges to win the world-wide-fencing-championship...
    He looks around...sword in hand, and being summer, a mosquito comes by and as fast as lighting the swordsman swaips and the mosquito drops...headless!...bravo!, bravo!...

    The second swordsman, a Canadian, steps forward and he spots another mosquito...Swaip!-swaip! and the mosquito falls on the ground wingless!...bravo, bravissimo!...

    And the last swordsman, a Puertorican, steps forward making the cross against his chest and sure enough...a mosquito...swaip-swaip!...uh, the mosquito keeps on flying...the whole world is watching!, he turns to the judges and says: "see that mosquito?...ha!, he'll never be a papa again!"...

  13. PMHayes

    PMHayes New Member

    What's the difference between a Lawyer and a Catfish?

    Well, one is a bottom dwelling, scum sucking, refuse eating scavenger and the other one is a fish!
  14. asebf

    asebf New Member

    What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?

    Your Honor.
  15. A8ch

    A8ch Gold Member

    A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape.

    "It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us."

    The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers -- we had $100 when we broke in!"
  16. piggybanker

    piggybanker New Member

    Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp. The small one turns to the big one and says, "I don't understand how you can be so much bigger than I am. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids... I just don't get it."
    "Well," says the big alligator, "what have you been eating?"
    Alligator "Lawyers, same as you," replies the small alligator.
    "Hmm. Well, where do you catch 'em?"
    "Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp."
    "Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"
    "Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, bite 'em, shake the crap out of 'em, and eat 'em!"
    "Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. See, by the time you get done shakin' the crap out of a lawyer, there's nothing left but lips and a briefcase..."
  17. johntanyishin

    johntanyishin New Member

    Lol, what's your problem with lawyers?

    One day, a dog grabbed a meat off from the butcher's. He recognized the dog as belonging a well-known lawyer.

    The butcher called up his neighbor and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a meat from my shop, you are liable for the cost of the meat?" The lawyer smiled and said, "Yes, and how much was the meat?" "$5.40."

    A few days later, the butcher received a check for $5.40. Attached to it was an invoice that read: "Legal Consultation Service: $150"


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